Saying no#
The best advice I ever got from my research advisor (or honestly anyone) was not how to code Python better, communicate with people, write scientific papers, do research, or anything like that. It was a small snippet of advice geared at managing your life: saying no.
His analogy goes as follows: work is like a gas. If you just try to run around waving it toward some direction, or trying to contain it from spreading, it’s going to do nothing. More of it is going to keep finding you, too, if you don’t set boundaries. You have to build walls in your life to stop it from spreading [1].
This advice is worth spending an entire section on because it’s genuinely life-changing.
Stressculture#
I always thought I needed to prove myself to everybody. Part of it was personal, but part of it was because I felt threatened or afraid of the culture. I never thought I would succeed unless I worked harder than absolutely everybody all of the time. Unfortunately, these sentiments seem pretty common in today’s age, and almost exemplify the American dream of becoming rich and wealthy if you just work harder than everybody always.
Enter a term that I like to call stressculture: A culture where performance outweighs the good of your own health and emphasizes greatness at the cost of immense stress.
In the Spring 2024 semester, I stressed myself out to a near breaking point.
I was taking 6 classes (18 credits): algorithms, tech startups, HCI, development of 210, macOS app development, and a humanities class. I was still a lead TA for 128, and I was managing the (now-defunct, but then startup) OreCart project, and I was also the Mines ACM President and HSPC Chair, and additionally, for a little while during the start of spring, I was preparing to present my research at SIGCSE. I also played intramural soccer a little later in the spring [2].
If you want that in credit-hour terms, I’d probably say it was around 27. If you want that in real human being terms, it sucked. I stopped eating a lot, and what I did eat was crap. I stopped exercising, because there was seemingly no time to. I stopped meditating. I slept less, because I needed to get up and get to the library ASAP.
The only times I ever stopped and did nothing were on my walks to and from school since I lived so close. Even then, I would use those times to “get ahead” in the areas I had inevitably been neglecting and think over things.
The old analogy holds true: something has to give. I was quite simply doing too much for things not to give; giving my attention to one thing meant seriously downgrading how effective I was at another thing.
I cheated, sort of. On the walks, I would think about what I needed to do for Mines ACM and HSPC. At Mines ACM, I’d think about OreCart since all of our engineers were there. At home, after my mountains of work, I would try to catch up on the development of 210 and my 128 TA tasks.
There was no time for family or friends whatsoever. I made two new friends that I enjoyed that semester, and made an effort to see them, which was incredibly stressful too, as I knew I was hurting every other aspect of my life.
Looking back, it was miserable. I’m impressed I got through especially with the compounding effects of not treating myself well, which would just make it harder for myself. The only things that got me through were reading and journaling and sheer, foolish determination.
I remember the point at which I wanted to change was when I was speaking to my roommate. He would ask about ACM and OreCart, and I would try to explain, only to have long, awkward, 15-second pauses where I would look around and try to find my words because my head was so jam-packed with thoughts. My memory got much worse, and I developed a stutter because there was so much going on in my head and it was moving quicker than my mouth could.
It wasn’t worth it. I finished out the semester, but to many people’s surprise, I immediately resigned as Mines ACM President + HSPC Chair (despite what I think was a community that I built that enjoyed my leadership) because I just couldn’t cope. OreCart would unfortunately fall through over the summer, which was incredibly sad, but not bad for my health. I tried to promise myself I would never do 18 credits again, but I did again in the fall; however, I coped much better having much less on my plate.
Not so unusual#
Unfortunately, this is the saddening reality for a lot of people. I’m in a privileged position where I’m economically stable, but I know people in these positions who aren’t quite the same and need to work on top of school to survive. This culture also encourages coping in the wrong ways, with alcohol or drugs, which I can proudly say I never did, but I again know people who cope that way.
I recommend everyone I know to do less, probably to an annoying extent. People come to me in similar situations and I tell them to say no to things - we often say yes to everything because 1) we’re nice people, but 2) we see opportunity in things. If you want to say yes to something, sleep on it. Ideally give it a week to decide. See how willing you are to say yes after waiting awhile.
It’s hard to do less, especially in the middle of a school term, but there is really always a safe way out: whether it’s resigning from a project, withdrawing from a class, or simply taking a break.
However, the easier way to do this is to set boundaries (or with our analogy, build walls). As an adult (barely), I’ve noticed that older people and adults are great at this, and this goes unspoken for quite some time. Whenever you’re staring down your next semester or work project or new big idea, ask yourself what you’re willing to sacrifice, what things you could leave behind, and how you’re going to change from doing everything all of the time.
Think about the big things: what do I hope to accomplish over the next few months? How does this relate to where I truly want to be in life? How does this relate to what I truly want to do?
Equally importantly, think about the small things too. It astounds me how many people ignore, for instance, time to eat or sleep in their schedule. They just don’t care or pretend it doesn’t matter. It does! These are the foundations that will allow you to do things to begin with. You don’t have to schedule time for friends, but think about having open time where you can spontaneously do things for you or go and see friends.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got. No matter what it is. [3]
A fun story#
One day I went down to my friend’s cubicle in the CS PhD offices. He had a sticky note up in the center of his desk which read: “Say no!” – he works for the professor who I used to, so I asked him if the professor had given him the same advice. He said: “No, Ethan, you told me that.”