Feedback#
I took a class called Tech Startups from the founder of Piazza, Pooja Sankar. In addition to her teaching Difficult Conversations, she spoke a lot about feedback (which I believe was inspired by the book [1]).
If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering what all the fuss is about feedback. It’s such a common word with perhaps even negative connotations; e.g. you try to give feedback to someone and they don’t listen, or some annoying survey on the internet is pestering you to give feedback about some service.
The type of feedback we’re talking about here is centered around personal growth and true, undivided attention which leads to real listening. This is the type of feedback that helps people change and grow. Feedback can make a meaningful difference in running a team or in any sort of organization. Feedback could even be having a tough conversation with someone you love but are not quite getting along with.
Feedback is a gift#
One of the few files I saved from that class was Pooja’s lecture on feedback. I’ll add my own commentary to a few of the points, but I give full credit to her for this premise.
Feedback is a gift. It is an opportunity to connect with the other person and to build exceptional relationships. - Pooja Sankar [emphasis added]
This is to say that viewing other people’s constructive criticism as an attack on yourself is unproductive and missing the point. View feedback and constructive criticism as a chance for both parties to get to know each other more and both improve in certain ways. It’s a gift!
Giving feedback well looks like (citing heavily from Pooja [2]):
Leading with your intentions: be honest and open so the other person can be too.
Make it a conversation, rather than rant from one person
Focus on what actually happened, avoid speculating on intent
Check in with the other person and listen: how are they interpreting you, and what do they need to move forward.
Receiving feedback well looks like:
Being kind and courteous, e.g. thanking the other person for sharing feedback & their time.
Fight the urge to be or appear defensive: you’re both being open and candid with each other.
Ask questions to develop a genuine understanding; be curious about their story and their understanding.
Repeat back what you heard and interpreted - it may be different from what they intended!
This was such a big deal in our class that I think we spent multiple weeks on it. We spent at least one week and had multiple scheduled feedback sessions with the class and our own group.
I am so confident in this approach that I have used it twice before in my own teams. In one team I was on, there was a falling out between two members. My boss had handled it fairly well, but I thought I could do even better and try to create a more friendly environment for them to work in. I invited them both to sit down with me in an empty classroom, and I acted as a moderator upholding the rules above. I quite literally opened up the slide deck on feedback and gave them an abridged version of the lecture beforehand. I’m not sure how much they both truly listened to each other, but I know they at least listened more than they would have, had they done it over text or even in-person one on one. They went on to work more respectfully with each other and accept their differences.
Another time in my side projects, I was working with someone I found quite difficult [3]. We would get so riled up and angry at each other; there was no hope of ever resolving things. We couldn’t really even keep it to a respectful discussion about work - personality and other nasty claims got involved (not saying I am free of guilt, I contributed greatly to the problem). What I realized was that I wasn’t truly listening. I was just trying to give feedback to someone who wasn’t open to it. I didn’t understand their needs and spaces in which they would be comfortable to discuss. It hurt, and it hurt both of us for a prolonged period of time. But after opening up some of those wounds and being curious about each other’s intentions and true feelings, we were able to heal and work together in a much more efficient and friendly way.